I am reading a book on rejection. We have all been rejected at some point in our lives; if it were not for learning the ways of rejection and disturbing the pattern of repeated rejection we may be swallowed up by such pain, especially because most painful rejection comes from people we care about.
I remember when I first read about the three greatest needs humans have: the need to feel significant, secure, and loved. This is all humans even the males, the males who might there big and macho and don’t need to feel secure.
When I first read those words, I was experiencing a season of rejection and it was refreshing to hear that my needs were part of my humanity. Here, I read this truth again about our innate, healthy, and normal needs, and again feel reassured that it is normal to feel what I am feeling. Consequently, I think it would be important to look a little closer into these three needs.
Love is simple, yet such a bad name (Bon Jovi said it first) and oversimplified.
Love is messy. Love can be seen in the married couple, the child-parent relationship, or that which I have with Sophie, the pointer. Hopefully, we have all seen love displayed, and hopefully experienced love. Love is incomprehensible. Love bears its name and stands firm on being set apart, and yet, not too showy.
Feeling secure, or security has been misused by the social norms of today. Security is not a good job or a nice house. Security is feeling secure that you are loved, cared for, accepted, heard, and seen. We have unfortunately misplaced its true meaning and have a generation of insecure humans. I am sure we can relate to the need to feel accepted if we can also relate to rejection. We don’t know acceptance as well until we know rejection.
Significance may be misconstrued as success or “the look at me syndrome”. Although success may be a byproduct of significance and vice versa, significance is not defined by any cultural or social virtue, rather it is a human need to express our uniqueness and when that uniqueness is invalidated or subjected to lies that we are worthless, the significance goes down the drain and may not even know that it is missing.
Our significance lies in our humanity, who we are, who we were created to be, and all that we bring to the world which is not based on performance. We are each significant because we were born.
In a world where being “needy” is seen as weak, perhaps we have created monsters, better known as narcissists, selfish people who are self-serving and yet wounded and weak and use narcissism to make them look and feel big and strong – wealthy and untouchable, without the need of anyone or anything, except that which serves them. They too were rejected and could likely point back to a place where the pain began. Most psychologists (google it), suggest that in those with narcissistic behaviors, the likelihood of healing is slim without intense therapy and dedication to mental health, consequently, without such change, the rejection experienced breeds more rejection.
Rejection breeds rejection. If you are not sure where to start here are a few suggestions according to June Hunt.
HEALING FROM REJECTION
First, start with your feelings. Assign the feelings to an event.
Next, we can follow our feelings back to a thought, or belief, and the thought will take us to the event that caused the feelings. This process is cyclical and may not necessarily be linear either. So put on your big boy/girl pants and get ready to feel the pressure. It is no small matter to address places of rejection.
Most often the residue of rejection will be expressed in anger. Anger is like the “engine” light on the car dashboard, it simply tells us something is not right. The source must be found. Hunt, shares that anger is one of four experiences that will likely lead you back to rejection: fear, frustration, injustice and hurt. Perhaps once one of these experiences is identified, it is possible to make your way back to the point of rejection. The feelings assigned and acknowledged, and thoughts replaced make room for healing to begin. When the feelings are assigned to the thoughts and/or events that caused the hurt, fear, injustice, or frustration, healing can begin, and the effects of rejection can be minimized if not stopped!
What say you?