I’ve been vibing off Popcaan’s new album but particularly one of his songs entitled Past Life. I think that Patwah (the language Jamaicans mostly speak) is a weird mix of English and Spanish. This makes sense because I can feel a Spanish vibe here too, I mean its not far from the DR and Cuba but Jamaicans don’t seem to think so, at least in conversations I have with Jamaicans, in general. For example, I met one guy whose hair was so thick he must be part Indian I thought to myself, like not from India, but an Indian. I asked him and he said “Nah”. And not in a negative way, I wonder if it is because they just want to be Jamaican. I do believe it is part of their heritage, to have pride in purity.
I am not ok with some parts of my past life, and while I cannot say I regret my children of course, I am not proud of the last marriage and parts of my past life in certain ways. There are also parts that I do not plan on bringing with me into my next marriage, specifically.
Side note: If you do not like the way I make connections between different aspects of life in my writing, then perhaps a different blog is your thing. I am a storyteller. I like rabbit trails that I can revisit at anytime over and over.
We finally had rain here in Lucea town, (in my Jamaican voice)! It is raining right now and I am torn between my vibing off Popcaan or listening to the raindrops on the metal roof! (Another reason I chose this god-forsaken cookie-cutter house; I love metal roofs.) When you live in a land where it is all green and lush and you start to see yellow, that is not good. One river was dried up and had not been for over 50 years (eyewitness of a friend whose property runs through the river and their water supply that they personally pump into their property through tanks.)
It had not rained in a while, and the ground was parched. So I knew what I needed to do… pray! Pray to the God of Heaven and Earth. I might have backslid or whatever you people want to call it, but I know the God I know! That God told me to cry out to the heavens when the grounds are parched because he is the God of life! Which is what the green in the Jamaican flag represents! Fertility or growth. Red, gold, and green!
The Bible says a righteous man falls 100 times but gets back up! (My paraphrase, and somewhere in Psalms :-))
Yeah, perhaps getting a divorce could be seen as falling, but I got back up. In fact, I am getting stronger and healthier by the day. This fall, I learned how to be myself again. I am free to be me. “Me” does not mean selfishness or narcissistic behavior. I learned that love is free and that I am valuable. Free or freedom is not synonymous with independence. I did not get divorced for any other reason but to be free of the control and manipulation, the emotional abuse, and the dysfunctional ways of being treated. Any form of mistrust is a breach to trust. And should be seen as a threat to the core of any relationship. It is the little breaches over time that eat at the core of loyalty and love and value. I was not valued. His loyalties were to himself and furthering himself and his gains, and his facade. Where I thought we were building a legacy of faithfulness, we were just going through the motions. This was hurtful, and especially after so many years of fighting hard for our marriage. Remaining committed that divorce was not an option for 17 years though, for many of the years, I was threatened with divorce monthly.
But this post is not about that marriage, it is about my past life that I left and my past life that comes with me because it adds to moving forward.
As a steady rain continues out my window, next to my hanging pot my mom bought me with a human fancy face; which also includes his new plant hanging down like a flowy mane, I continue to write about my life in my book in a blog. The hanging pot sits nicely between my set of Ikea of curtains that have been with me for years and yet make any room pop and feel brand new. Another example of something from my past life that comes with me! Laughing out loud! But seriously, I have some pieces of life that remain. They have crossed the ocean with me to Jamaica because they are pieces that work and add to me!
I am reminded as I bounce back and forth from a thoughtful stare out the window while listening to the raindrops and back to my screen to type these words, some things indeed remain the same! It is not that we necessarily try to get rid of our past life because surely there are things in that life that remain the same. After all, there is nothing new under the sun, the wisest man on earth told us (Ecclesiastes), consequently, there are some aspects of life that we duplicate hoping that it won’t be like the last, so we get up and try again.
I grew a lot as an adult human in the last 17 years, from both the marriage and the people that were in our lives. I am not saying however that I needed to be emotionally abused to learn either, as there are plenty of books that talk on this topic. What I am saying is that when we are in a “do-over” season of life, it’s easy to want to throw it all away and start over. But may I suggest that would be a disservice. Yes, I was sick and tired of being sick and tired and so much was a mess on the daily, and yet there was so much beauty in my life also, I could not throw it away!
In my next and last marriage, here are three things I am bringing with me: 1. Respect, respect is a beautiful thing a man holds, his manhood is built on being a respectable man, and respect is important in all relationships. I still struggle with disrespecting certain authority figures, I can’t blame it on not having a solid parental unit who raised me in my childhood, it is real simple, I just need to shut my mouth so I am not disrespectful when I am upset. I will take my ass to time out if I need to.
Number 2. When we are not seeing adds to each other’s lives, we need to start asking serious questions. We can’t wait until the subtraction is happening.
An “add” is as simple as attentiveness, laughter, or even a kind act. For example, I have felt resentment on a few occasions recently, particularly, when I help him further his business. I did that for 17 years in my previous marriage, helped him build him. This is part of my past life I must duplicate, that part of myself in this next life because that is who I am. I love helping. I am a coach and influencer. I can’t stop being me because I fear being hurt again or I fear adding to another person’s life and risking that mine won’t be added to. To continue to be you despite the risk is called loving. This is the nature of love. Love is risky! Love is messy!
The final learning experience I am bringing with me to my next marriage is I can only control one human in this equation. For example, if he is not doing what I want him to do, I express a boundary in some capacity and I leave that situation in his lap. Period! The funny part about these three examples is they are not new. My past life is still very much my life, and while those 17 years were a huge set back emotionally. I acknowledge this and move forward.
What say you?