I was watching Billions and something happened in the show that made me think about how some relationships are transactional, and maybe we, or I, try to make them more or I should make them more because transactional is self-serving. Perhaps, the word transactional tells it all, but just in case you would like clarity, when I say transactional, the relationship is simply made up of small transactions that give the appearance of history and emotions, and personality but in reality, the relationship is nothing more than an exchange of something that both parties want or need. If it is transactional it is not saying that there is no care but in all likelihood and by definition there is no love really happening here because the relationship again, is nothing more than the transaction/s it is made up of.

I am the queen of run-on sentences and rabbit trails. I am trying to get better because I love writing. And as my web address states, this is my book in a blog, that will one day become a transaction – a published book. I just had to use that word in this case, because, in this context, it is fitting.

Sometimes I am not sure how to separate getting shit done and my feelings. Feelings are elusive and inconsistent. They are most certainly unreliable because they change at any moment and especially for women because we have hormones going bonkers most of our life. But to be fair and true, men have feelings too, and hormones. I do not necessarily like this about myself. I feel like it is more prevalent now that menopause and an empty nest have found a nice little home in my world.

Wherever I go, there I am!

— Anonymous

As I revisit the last season of my life – motherhood, I am challenged to not look back. Some days I even fantasize or maybe romanticize going back to that season. I do remember “feeling” the same way when three toddlers under 4 were running around making a complete mess of the house, hence, romanticizing the empty nest. Here I am, it is funny how we want what we do not have.

I remember my best friend telling me when I made the decision to explore the world since I was free to literally go and do anything, that “wherever I go, there I am!” This still hits hard and is my nudge when I need one!

Before it was the children that nudged me, they kept it real for me. They kept me real! Disciplining, healthy, fair parenting is not for the faint of heart, they kept me humble when I had to teach them conflict resolution or how to forgive!

Now, yes, they still do that but it is much different as adults, all humans have the propensity to sharpen us, if we allow it, like iron sharpening iron, but children do it differently, I think!

Funny, that today’s doodle on google is about Justine Siegemund, an awesome midwife! I love midwifery. I considered being a midwife, and when my eldest daughter asked me to stay with the boys while she gives birth to her third son, I thought for a brief moment, I want to be at the hospital. I have always seen birthing life as the most innocent, and loving thing ever! There is something magical about bringing forth life!

After reading several meanings of transactional relationships, it is difficult to consider that I may have transactional relationships. Consequently, I am taking a hard look at how to move those relationships into something different, just unsure at this moment what that looks like.

Each morning when I wake up on this beautiful island, aside from wanting to go explore, I feel the empty nest. Some mornings hit a little differently. This morning I feel empty more than before. I feel sad. I feel unsure. But all this makes sense, perfectly normal feelings for a new season of life. Yet completely unreliable to depend on, to make any normal logical decision based on. So they are just that, feelings about my empty nest and transactional relationships.

As I unravel the big changes in my life I am still working out the transactional relationship part. The funny, dope thing is a fellow blogger whom I have followed for about 5 years now just wrote a blog post on something similar, but like me, I feel that it may be unfinished business.