Not Everything Can Be Fixed!

Helpers are not too good at asking for help, which is very ironic!

Michelle

While I listen to the birds sing on day 14 of my new place in Jamaica, I can’t help but to wonder what they are saying to one another.

I am especially curious because as a comparison to humans, in the Bible you find a word picture describing how the birds don’t worry about what they will eat or where they will sleep. So I am thinking, are they discussing what they will be eating for breakfast or what they will to do today. In either case, it is a beautiful melody of sounds all working together, it is also the sounds of a new day.

A new day…there is something magical about a new day…and yet not so magical…magical because I am curious what will happen today…not so magical because things are not going my way and I do not like that!

What do you do when things don’t go your way? I am talking to the “fixers”, the “helpers”, the people people. You know those of us who love people but don’t really love people, it is this thing God gave us, this dichotomy, sort of situation, this Smeagol complex (if you don’t know, you betta ask somebody)!

Photo: Sméagol from Lord of the Rings. showing his two personalities.

For one, I pick up my computer and start typing, it brings immediate relief! Try it! It doesn’t mean you have to be a blog writer; but it is therapeutic! I can not tell you how many draft posts I have.

When things are not going my way, it typically helps me to turn my attention to the areas I do have control over. Those things which I can fix or have a part in fixing.

One last idea when things are not going my way, is figure out if there is something that I can give myself, or if there is any one or any thing else that can assist, ask for help! Helpers are not too good at asking for help, which is very ironic!

Anyway, today’s post is not about what you do when things don’t go your way although I think it is important to note.

If you know me at all, you know that I am very much into things that are not just so they become just or that which involves young woman in various seasons of life, but in general you know that I do not do well with injustice. I am pretty sure this is part of my work on Earth.

So to get to the point, I am pretty well travelled from my time in the military so I have seen some things, I have nearly died a few times in my lifetime and have certainly had my share of hardships and been through some pretty shitty times but what strikes me the most is injustice looks the same everywhere. No matter where you go there will always be injustice. Injustice reigns in America just look at our justice system, pun intended! How many are locked up for crimes they didn’t commit? (• Number of unsentenced inmates in prisons in the U.S. 2019 | Statista) Or those who could be rehabilitated through counseling/therapy, etc., and never had an opportunity for whatever reason. Anyway, my thoughts are not even about the justice system itself because that is a waste of time rather it is about the injustice that happens everywhere.

Photo: “Some things just can’t be fixed” with black arrows pointing different directions.

Injustice is no respecter of persons. People groups. It does not discriminate at all!

What do we do in the face of so much injustice? What is our part? I am working out some of these answers and the role I see myself playing especially here in Jamaica. But certainly, among my fellow countrymen and women! While I say under my breath in a grumbling voice, “I ain’t fighting for those people, I am going to hide in the bushes with the rasta man!” I could not actually do that. I would fight for what I believe in. I believe in people still!

I do believe in the human spirit. Not the American spirit. The human spirit.

And the intent is not to discuss crime or guns however I have much to say on that topic and the data supports my thoughts, but people… guns create more suicides than homicide…shall we start there…and I am not surprised. I would encourage folks to reconsider there issues with guns, they are not the problem! Just saying.

Check out the statistics: US Crime, Police, Prisons & More Statistics | 2022 State of the Union (usafacts.org) 5.6 million people in prison, mostly for murder. I tried to locate the stats of those who have not been convicted to date or proven guilty. Not everybody has Johnnie Cochran as their attorney

I believe in the people who will stand for the same reasons I would. Justice. Fairness. Kindness.

Injustice may prevail within systems that are built by people, yes, but injustice cannot prevail in the human heart where justice has preference.

The No Caller ID Phone Call

If I thought the call on my screen were a bill collector I would just let it go to voicemail but unfortunately, I had seen this “no caller id” call a few other times and ignored so I figured I would answer it today in the car coming home from an errand. I am glad I did.

I answer, “this is Michelle,” my phone serving as both my personal and business cell. Hello, she says, I am calling to ask a few questions, I pause and think I know she doesn’t think she can start talking without telling me who she is.

She proceeds to tell me, “I am (the man’s name) wife. And I just had a baby! I literally could not breathe. This man is a pastor, we had great conversations, we have known each other a few years now, dare I call him one of my best friends that is a guy.

Sometimes the conversations go into what it would be like to be together, but nothing real serious. Last week (when his wife was giving birth) he told me his sister was in the hospital and had to be moved to ICU. Like wow, he asked me to pray for his sick sister in ICU to cover for what is really happening – HIS WIFE GIVING BIRTH!

Over the last three years, we (I say we but really it is “I”) have shared the ups and downs, pains and sorrows since I have known him. He knows two of my children well and has a special name for one of them even, and they know of him. I mean seriously they just think he is some cool guy that just happens to be pastor.

As I still sit in shock, I find it hard to focus on what I need to do, I am trying to find something good in this. I decided to make something good out of it by sharing it with the world. In sharing my hope is to perhaps move another woman to ask some hard questions, especially if you are single and have male friendships with potential, considering marriage, etc., in whatever case, if something just doesn’t feel right, LISTEN! The more he flirted with suggestive remarks about our relationship, the more I felt uncomfortable, at times, but recently the red flags were clearer or am I “woke” as they say! The louder the inside voice the more I pressed him recently about his life and future.

About a year ago, I became angry at his games and some of what he would share about his family life that sounded out of pocket to me, I never gave him my new number. Eventually we were back in touch after I called him to let him know I would be in town and by this time I was no longer dating someone. After about 6 months of an occasional phone call or hello, he called. We caught up and picked up where we left off.

During my travels, I would ask to meet up, but it seemed it was more comfortable for him to visit me then me going to him, another red flag. Considering too many red flags presenting themselves, I decided to tell him that we would discuss the future of our relationship after his sister was better.

Meanwhile, his wife is supposed to call me back and according to her, we were going to support each other. Um, no sweetie, we are not. Instead, I would highly recommend a therapist and not a pastor! A licensed therapist! I will also maintain that having been in a dysfunctional marriage, at best, for most of the 17 years I was married, that is likely the direction of their marriage given all this and many other concerns he and I discussed. It was all too very familiar to me. I am starting to grow very weary of the familiar!

Listen to yourself, what you need is within, just listen, perhaps we just don’t listen because most of the time we want what we want, this blinds and binds us.

It seems the best place to end is, to repeat as I repeat to myself, listen to yourself, all that we need is within. Perhaps we don’t listen because we want we want and or our issues blind us. My eyes are open, but my heart still trusts until I am shown otherwise and clearly the two don’t mix at times. There are times to bypass the emotions straight to thinking and logic. I am grateful that I am not as blind as I used to be. I am grateful that what happens in the dark is brought to the light…eventually…and if not in this life well that’s another blog post.

My take-aways –

I have no idea what to say! Maybe only that it is not a woman’s job to uphold a man to honor. I am not responsible for his actions. This is not a reflection on me. However, I am learning the law of attraction and attachments. (more on this later).

Everyone Needs Some Power!

I could remember days thinking if I only had someone to call that is neutral and will tell me the truth but be kind and gentle. I mean the type of help that is not bossy or imposes their crap on me, etc. This is what a life coach can be. A life coach does not take the place of friends, family or even therapy. Instead, I view it as a supplement to what you may be already doing. If that is not the case, and you do not have support, I highly suggest a life coach or therapist.  

To paint the picture plainly, I liken it to vitamins. I used to hate when my mom would say, “that supplement will be more effective if you took it with this…so I took the other vitamin, then she would add another vitamin and before you knew it I would have a pile of vitamins on the counter that all had a specific purpose. While true, super annoying and it is super expensive!

It cost to take care of yourself. Not just monetarily but it costs time, emotional energy, creating intentions, mindfulness, and exercise to get all the chemicals working together and balanced in your body!

Hiring a life coach can be a pivotal shift in your next steps. I listen, I ask questions. Life coaches are not necessarily giving advice, we are not advice givers. All that you need is within, sometimes, we just need help rediscovering it. That is my role, to ask the right questions to help you rediscover what somehow got tucked away somewhere. There are many reasons why we compromise or ignore our conscience, nonetheless, we do and finding our way back to knowing ourselves and making decisions that are true to self is what coaching is all about.  

Personal power was a big one for me. It was that space where I constantly squashed my gut feelings and resigned myself to being agreeable for the sake of peace. While there is a place for peace and agreement, in my experience this was not a healthy response overall and wounded my spirit and self worth. I will never forget one couples counseling session and the counselor told me in front of my ex-husband that it is perfectly normal to desire personal power over areas in my life even while married. In this space, the space that I had permission, just like everyone else, despite my experience for 17 years in a difficult marriage…for the first time, in a long time I felt like I was given this space in time to experience a level of freedom and power. I felt of little value for so long in our marriage that I lost sight of my personal value regardless of my behavior or what anyone else thought of me.

When I began rediscovering my personal power I experienced so much freedom, l felt like a bird let out of its cage! I knew exactly where I wanted to go, what I wanted to do, and began that journey as soon as I was free! I hope this happens for you too!

New name and new everything

As I contemplated how to jump back into my blog, I immediately thought of this picture. I remember thinking on this day, what the hell, just make a funny face and take a picture, it was when the Mayor was about to declare that we all had to wear face masks when entering any public place.

Then I realized I had to change the name of my blog for sure (even though we are still “Harried Hamptons”) the change was needed, in addition to adjustments to some posts for those who might be new to the website. About two weeks ago during my soul searching, therapy, self-care time on the beach, the phrase: my book in a blog, came to my mind and I added it to my notes (the notes feature I keep on my phone for moments like this.). That was it, its the name of my new blog, and I need to start writing again.

Meanwhile, I am almost half way through a graduate program to be a clinical mental health counselor. I am super excited and can’t wait to take all this knowledge in my brain that’s about to explode and put it into practice with clients! I can’t wait for the ideas and visions I have had for my private practice to come to life!

All this being said, the websites focus then is still to share my story but it is also to feature and highlight the deep things of life and particularly surrounding mental health and therapy. Now come with me for the next leg of my race!